Verbal photoshop
What's that filter that makes me sound put together?
Hi! My name is Bree, and I write about how to have better days at work (and in life). Subscribe for writing on everything from Grandpa Mornings to being Ugly Healthy. You’ll also be the first to know about book launch events and giveaways—Today Was Fun will hit bookstores July 2025. Pre-order now!
“Good! How are you?”
That response to “How are you?” is often so immediate I’m convinced it bypasses our brain entirely and pops out of us reflexively like our knee in response to a doctor’s mallet.
People say it when they’re going through a divorce. When someone close to them has just died. When they’ve lost their job. Or even when they poured coffee all over themselves ten minutes ago and can still feel their thigh burning.
I can see why we do this. In some ways it’s just efficient politeness before you can get to the “business” of a conversation. It also functions as emotional armor when we just don’t feel like getting into something with someone. If you told everyone you interacted with about your divorce, you might be a little drained by the end of the day. We also often assume the other person is not actually interested, and maybe they’re not. For example, the number one rule of being a New Yorker is “Don’t slow others down” and that applies literally when you’re strolling in the middle of the sidewalk, as well as emotionally when you’re jabbering on and the other person is like “YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO SAY ‘GOOD HOW ARE YOU’”
So I get why we do this sometimes, but I also think we do this FAR more often than is healthy.
If you’re watching the White Lotus, you’ll recognize Verbal Photoshop behavior everywhere. If you work in a corporate environment it’s rampant there too. It’s more than “good how are you” but also the spin we put on everything from our relationships to our job searches to our company revenue. Sure it’s nice to look on the bright side, but I’m also convinced Verbal Photoshop is killing the closeness in our relationships—personal and professional.
Take, for example, “How’s business?”:
Real answer: “It’s not going well. We’ve missed our revenue targets three months in a row. It would be one thing if people were energized and we had some new strategy to give us hope, but instead we’re just doing the same thing we’ve always done but pushing harder and exhausting ourselves. I think we need some new ideas or energy but right now I feel stuck.”
Photoshopped answer: “It’s good! The last few months have been a bit bumpy, but that’s the nature of the business, as you know. Thankfully, we’re confident in our strategy and really focusing. It can be a lot, but nothing worth doing is easy, right?”
As another example, people often ask me how the book is going.
Real answer: “It’s wonderful and bumpy. I’m recording the audiobook and I’ve had SO much fun. I think I’m doing a good job! Well, mostly… last night the audio engineer told me “I think we should call it for today…” because I think I was kind of sucking ha. We’re also planning marking “stunts” like having a little book/lemonade stand on an NYC corner this summer with Arden. Is this super creative and fun and effective? Or totally cringey? Who knows! Not me. I’m doing this all for the first time. It’s lonely. It takes a lot of work to dig through the self-doubt to get to what my gut knows. I didn’t second-guess myself in the writing itself. I’m proud of that.”
Photoshopped answer: “Great! It’ll launch in July!”
Sure the real answer is longer and squigglier, but I think it’s more interesting, more cathartic, and offers a window for people to know me. I think it’s worth it.
Toning down our Verbal Photoshop is ultimately about a few things:
Having the confidence to share our real experiences; letting people know us
Giving implicit permission to others to share their real experiences
Having others accompany us on our journeys and accompanying them on theirs; or in other words: friendship
So today, when someone asks, “How are you?” I invite you to share the raw file of your life.
In a world of AI and filters, dare to be a little messy.
It’s us at our most beautiful.
Such an inspiring read for my morning!
That “verbal Photoshop” metaphor hit hard. It’s wild how often we auto-edit our truth into something more polished… safe, but sterile. Appreciate the reminder to answer with honesty over optics. We don’t need airbrushed conversations. We need real connection.