Hi! My name is Bree, and I write about how to have better days at work (and in life). Subscribe for writing on everything from building cozy teams to living a Portfolio Life. You’ll also be the first to know about book launch events and giveaways—Today Was Fun will hit bookstores July 2025!
“I’m drawn to people who are more free than I am.”
This was a line spoken by a woman at a dinner party I went to recently, and it hasn’t left me since. It has always been true for me, and yet I’ve never said it quite so plainly.
There are certain people in my life who are so unapologetically themselves that they not only inspire me but give me some kind of implicit permission to do the same.
I was the matron of honor at my friend Lizzie’s wedding last summer. There she was in her dress on this humid day as the clock counted down to the big moment. The caterer walked in the room and asked, “How are you feeling?” surely expecting some response like, “Oh you know, excited, nervous” But instead you know what Lizzie said?
“Well, my crotch area is a little sweaty…”
It was just… true! It was Lizzie being herself and freely sharing her experience. Of course the circumstances matter. Lizzie is an Assistant Principal and I’m sure she wouldn’t respond in the same way if a parent asked how she was before a serious meeting. But on the whole, Lizzie’s dial for “be myself” vs “be the most palatable version of myself” is dialed almost all the way to the former.
Or take my former boss and mentor, Shannan. She was the first person I knew to swear at work whenever she (fucking) felt like it. She’d easily join a Zoom in pajamas. She was so easy to know, even at work, because she’d tell you about her life without the verbal photoshop so many people use.
Now contrast all that with most workplace cultures which are suffocatingly pleasant and breeding grounds for conformity. These are places where everyone is wearing their business mask. Where it doesn’t feel safe to tell your boss that your crotch area is a little sweaty (jk, don’t do that). In these environments, where it’s risky to be yourself, sometimes the best option is to detach from work. Sometimes that’s all you can do.
But it’s not my favorite option. My favorite option is to feel free wherever I go and for others to feel the same. And the best way to do that, I have found, is to find a role model. You know that lovely Mr. Rodgers quote, “Look for the helpers”? Here’s my take on it:
Look for the Give-No-Shits Role Models.
I really wanted wanted GNSRMs to be a catchy two syllables like “helpers” instead of an unwieldy six but I couldn’t figure out the right word. Do you have ideas? Branding assist?
Anyway…
In any meeting where everyone seems buttoned up and using words like leverage and strategic priorities, there’s at least one person doodling a picture of a frog. Or sitting cross-legged. Or licking away the milk mustache they acquired from their cappuccino. One person who’s a little more free. If I can find that person, they relax me. And when I see no one, I decide I’m going to be that person myself and do my best. Crossed-legs it is.
I know I’m talking about minute and inconsequential behaviors like how my legs are folded, but that physical subtext of any situation matters. If everyone in a meeting has their shirts tucked in just a little too tight, do you think anyone is sharing their most creative ideas? Calling out the elephants in the room? I’m convinced there’s no psychological safety in any room with perfect posture.
There’s the cost to the business in these cases—people are simply not speaking openly or bringing their best—but even MORE important is the cost to our experience in those rooms. Seriously, who wants to spend their days all proper and shit? Who wants to put on their business mask as their final accessory before heading to work? It kills inclusivity, not to mention any shot at having a good day.
This morning I took a dance/exercise class and after class two women came up to my friend to tell her how much they loved her vibe. And let me tell you, they were not wrong. Alex dances like there’s nobody else in the room. She gets down and into every last movement. When everyone else has looks of exhaustion on their faces, Alex is beaming. One thing is obvious: She feels free. And that freedom is magnetic.
The greatest leaders I know have that same magnetism. You can tell, can’t you, when a leader is jamming out—making music with all the notes available to them—and when they’re just trying to sing some palatable song. Leaders who show up as themselves and model freedom inspire their people to do the same. Leaders who wear their business masks create cultures of business masks.
Today, perhaps we can all decide to be 10% more free, both for ourselves and for the people around us who we just might inspire. Sit how you like! Swear a little! Take note of your crotch area humidity! Get your groove on!
be freeeeeeeee
Thank you, Bree. As an openly Autistic person who glitter-paints his nails and is currently struggling with an extended job search, I really needed this. 💖
I lol’d- doodling a frog! It me!