11 ways to know you're doing life right

(you are)

We just returned from two weeks in Europe with friends, riding ponies in England, enjoying sobremesas in Portugal, wondering if Patatas Bravas means “Great job, potatoes!” in Spain.

I love traveling for lots of reasons, but most of all I love it because it reminds me just how many ways there are to live a life. There have been many times in my own life that I’ve been unhappy, but I’ve never felt stuck. I’ve always known that if I didn’t like the way I was living, there were like 8 billion other options I could look into.

And yet, despite the beautiful diversity of ways to live a life, somehow it’s enduringly tempting to find a rubric. It’s hard to escape the question: Am I doing life right?

And OH does the world have answers for us. There’s religion, obv: entire life-systems that can prescribe everything from your clothes to your food to which order you should cut your nails in. Even if you’re not religious, there’s culture. I adore British culture, and yet they use the word “proper” more often than Americans use “um.”

If religion or culture don’t do it for you, there’s always capitalism! Very easy to tell if you’re doing it right because you will have lots of money. Or you can track your resting heart rate as your ultimate metric for success. And how have I not gotten to social media followers yet?!

WHAT ARE YOUR GOALS? ARE YOU SUCCESSFUL? SHOW ME THE MONEY. SHOW ME THE LIKES. SHOW ME THE 97% SLEEP SCORE.

Even the way society raises kids is based around learning games and then endeavoring to win them. They learn the game of school, complete with standardized tests, and work to rise up through the GPA ranks. They learn literal games, playing sports, and then vie for championships. I honestly loved school, and sports are healthy for kids for so many reasons so my point is not that these things are categorically bad! It’s that they all sit within the same paradigm of humans asking themselves: “What is the game? And how do I win?”

Surely the human race has lots of experience living, and people have figured out lots of things before us. So I understand the pull towards philosophy, religion, and other enduring world views for what a good life is. The problem is not looking to these life approaches for guidance. The problem is—like Dorothy walking around like an idiot with teleportation shoes on her feet—that we forget to look to the one person with the most power in these situations: ourselves.

We are the judge and jury of the most important metric of all:

“Am I enjoying my life?”

There are millions of ways to win in every measurable game except that one. Rich and miserable, fit and miserable, pious and miserable, successful and miserable. So why do we keep playing the games that don’t win us the best prize there is? Some ideas:

1. In a world of scarcity, happiness doesn’t feel useful. Our genes want us to compete, reproduce, and teach our kids to compete. Happiness optional. I recently watched The Other Bennett Sister (highly recommend) in which a delightfully quirky woman in the early 1800s is surrounded by messages of “marriage or misery.” Marriage meant (still kinda means?) financial security and social standing, and to her mother, that felt far more important than her daughter’s happiness. But turns out you can also just, like, live with an aunt and get a regular job and it’s fine?? So what are we optimizing for really.

2. Happiness isn’t legible. In a world where we’re conditioned to learn games and win them, happiness is like a glowy peg in a bank account-sized hole. How am I going to use this feeling to telegraph my success?! Social media heeded that call and there’s no shortage of “look at my happy life!” on Instagram, but you have to wonder if the truly happiest people are the ones adjusting the filters on their beach pics.

3. We don’t actually know what makes us happy. It’s hard to hear our own delights and preferences above the din of society telling us what we should want (and buy and flaunt). And if we don’t know what makes us happy (e.g., I don’t know if I should move) or if we’re actively wrong about what makes us happy (e.g., I love dating DJs) it can feel like a game we’re just not very good at. Which is when the advertisers come waltzing in telling us they have cheat codes to the game of life and they are: money, fame, and beauty 💅 Handy? Sure. Foundational to happiness? No.

Maybe that all makes sense, but it also stinks. If we live in a world of winning games, then fine. I declare a new game. It’s called ENJOY YOUR FUCKING LIFE. Here’s the scoring to know if you’re winning:

1. YOU HAVE A FAVORITE BEVERAGE (5 points)

Do you know what makes your mouth delight and do that annoying “kaaahhh” sound that old men do? You win points! Don’t yet know? Advance by trying a whole bunch of beverages from kombucha to matcha to horchata and see what does it for you.

2. YOU HAVE SOMEONE YOU COULD TELL A SECRET TO (100 points)

Maybe you can whisper to a friend that you forgot to put deodorant on today. Or you tell a coworker it was indeed you that broke the coffee machine. Or maybe you tell a bestie about a felony. Any person, any secret counts. Don’t have someone yet? Confide in a barista your quirky coffee order.

3. YOU HAVE A SKILL YOU KNOW YOU’RE GOOD AT (69 points)

Have you done something in the last year and someone else was like, “That was great”? You get the points! Cook a delicious meal? Make a kick-ass powerpoint? Plan the crap out of your new project? Yea you did! Feel good at nothing? Well I think you’re really good at keeping up with your Substack reading.

4. YOU LAUGHED TODAY (67 points)

If you’re like “BREE I’m reading this at 7am no I haven’t laughed yet” don’t worry! You have the whole day to nab these points. Maybe you’ll chuckle at a funny animal video. Or guffaw at a friend’s unfiltered comment. Or chortle when you see your boss walk in with their fly down. Half points awarded if you laugh in your head and then type LOL/ROFL even if you are not in fact getting carpet dust up your nose.

5. YOU ARE LOOKING FORWARD TO SOMETHING (50 points)

Anticipation is one of the great joys of life. Maybe it’s a vacation! Maybe you’re getting your carpets steamed! Maybe the office lunch today has those killer glazed carrots! Or, you know, the classics like a hot date or curling up in bed tonight work too. Don’t have anything? Book yourself a haircut, friend.

6. YOU CAN THINK ABOUT SOMEONE YOU’VE HELPED AND SMILE (80 points)

This could be a spouse, a mentee, a child, a customer, a stranger on the street you opened the door for. Looking for a point-qualifying action to take today? Giving a hug or high five totally counts.

7. YOU HAVE A SENSATION YOU LOOOOVE (20 points)

Maybe it’s the taste of ice water after a run. Or when someone does light scratches on your back (my fav). Or the feeling of walking into a blast of air conditioning after you’ve been sweating? It can be quirky too! Maybe you’re into all the ASMR stuff or crack your knuckles like an addict or do face yoga! Delight in your own pleasure for 20 points.

8. YOU HAVE A SONG THAT MAKES YOUR BODY MOVE WITHOUT YOUR PERMISSION (25 points)

“Um, excuse me foot… is that an involuntary tap to NSYNC’s Bye Bye Bye?” 25 points for you. Do your hips not lie? Can you rock a Casbah? You, my friend, are winning life. Don’t know what your song is? Go ask your 16-year-old self. They know.

9. YOU’VE SAID NO TO SOMETHING YOU DIDN’T WANT TO DO (15 points)

Who’s a people pleaser? Not you! You are helpful and kind and know how to compromise, but you also know when that industry happy hour is going to be a circus of trying to sound impressive and forgetting people’s names. Have you handed out a “Sorry, I won’t be able to make it” as a complete, no-explanation-needed excuse? You win! Haven’t yet delighted in the joy of a “busy” night sitting on your couch? Go on and break some hearts. Those 15 points are waiting for you.

10. YOU HAVE A ‘THIS IS SO ME’ OUTFIT (10 points)

I have been rocking this tank with a SEWN IN BRA and these pants that feel like air and I never want to wear anything else. This outfit feels like the perfect venn diagram of “I look dope” and “I’m definitely wearing pajamas” and I’m here for it. Do you have an outfit like this too? Ding ding ding, 10 points! Not sure where to start? Check out Meg! Lewis—she’s MAJORLY inspiring here. She even has a course on defining your style! Maybe we can all feel the way she feels getting dressed??

11. YOU NOTICED SOMETHING BEAUTIFUL TODAY (55 points)

Wait did that dog wink at you? Did you clock the stranger on the train chuckle to themselves while reading a book? Did you see the light come in the conference room and hit the kleenex box just right and look kind of… beautiful?! You are a master of unproductive joy. I mean… totally productive 55 points worth of joy!

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So there we have it: a brand new system for knowing if you’re winning life. I wish you a high-scoring day! And this constitution is open to amendments so add your suggestions for more metrics in the comments.

i win