Acts of service
Quality time
Receiving gifts
Words of affirmation
Physical touch
Perhaps you’ve read the 1992 book or know your “love language” by instinct: the means by which you most feel loved and valued. The idea, of course, is that different people have different preferences for how they receive love and we should know what that is for our partners.
Makes sense, AND I also appreciate comedian Taylor Tomlinson’s take:
But you know what other relationship is of paramount importance in our lives? The person who has the ability to make or break our days and weeks and years? The person you might even spend more time with than your partner or family?
Your boss.
And conversely, your direct report(s). Which begs the question, do you know their employee love language? I’m not the first to make this analogy, but I’m going to share my own version of the 5 Employee Love Languages here:
Public praise
Private encouragement
One-on-one coaching
Growth opportunities
Leaving me alone
As you can tell, some of these are in direct opposition! One person will see being left alone as the ultimate sign of confidence, while another who craves one-on-one coaching will see it as abandonment. So it’s good to get a sense of what your people like! And equally good to tell your boss if they might be getting it wrong.
Note: One I didn’t include was any kind of bonus, promotion, or other tangible reward. That’s because for those things to be equitable, personal desire shouldn’t factor in. As in, I shouldn’t be paid more just because I declare that money makes me feel appreciated!
Let’s dive into each:
Public praise
How to: This is best done organically, as in “You know who does this really well? Jo! I’ve learned so much from the way she ____.” I find weekly shout-outs and other formalized structures more awkward than they’re worth. Bonus points if other “important people” are in the room when you shout someone out. Nothing like getting a shout out when the CEO is in the meeting. (Jason, if you’re reading this, this is definitely one of mine and I appreciate that you do this for me!)
Watch out: Careful that your shout out of one person doesn’t inadvertently make another person feel slighted. Ideally you can organically rotate the public praise if you have multiple direct reports so you don’t look like you have a “favorite child”. Also, make sure public praise doesn’t feel embarrassing to the person you’re shouting out. I don’t know, I personally love it, but I could imagine it’s not for everyone…
Private encouragement
How to: This could be in a 1:1 or as a little slack note/text/voice memo. The best time to do this is whenever you think a nice thought about someone. In the moment, don’t wait—immediately shoot them a note to say “You know, I was just thinking about you! And how you’ve been pulling so much weight on X and have handled it masterfully. I really appreciate you and wanted to say so.” In my head I call these “love bubbles”, which I’m pretty sure I heard first from SYP’s CEO, Jessica. Another great moment is when you’re talking with another person about how great someone is. Send a note that sounds like, “Lee and I were just gossiping about how much we adore working with you and how good you are at ____. Just had to tell you!” Note: “I love working with you” is a wonderful thing to say, but it’s even more impactful if you can be specific about what skill, trait, or effort you appreciated.
Watch out: You don’t want to do this too often so that it comes across as saccharine, but when you have these thoughts or conversations authentically, that’s a good time!
One-on-one coaching
How to: This looks like investing your time and energy in helping the other person grow, either through live 1:1s, notes with feedback after a project milestone, or proactively helping them prep for something. People with this love language see the attention as a symbol of your belief in them. I often pose the rhetorical question: Who receives the most coaching in the world? It’s not people who are struggling. It’s Olympic athletes! It’s BECAUSE of their greatness that they’re worth investing in.
Watch out: This can easily feel like micromanagement if this is not your employee’s love language. It can also feel like a lack of faith if they interpret it as “Wow, my boss really must not trust me… they’re spending so much time making sure I know what I’m doing.”
Growth opportunities
How to: These are those “put me in coach!” moments where you might wonder if the person is “ready” and whether giving them a responsibility is a risk to the work, but ultimately you decide it’s in their “zone of proximal development”. In other words, it’s not something they’ve done on their own before, but with a little guidance and support you think they could nail it. At best, this feels to the person like you really believe in them! Honestly, all of my greatest professional growth came from times when someone “put me in” before I was ready.
Watch out: If someone is legit nervous, this can feel like hanging them out to dry or exerting undue pressure, even if it comes in the form of “you can do it!” Figuring out what’s “good scary” versus “bad scary I might ruin everything” is an art, and best figured out through a candid conversation with your person.
Leaving me alone
How to: A little known love language! And in many ways the antithesis to one-on-one coaching. But sometimes, some loving neglect of your direct report can signal confidence in their ability to succeed without support, AND confidence in their self-knowledge of when to reach out for help should they need it. As long as they know you’re there for them if they need you, this love language can 1/ save you a lot of time, and 2/ reduce the boss/employee power dynamic to more of an on-call coach. Best for tenured high-performers.
Watch out: This can easily feel like neglect if someone DOES want more of your time and attention but they’re not receiving it. The other risk is that you start to miss performance issues if you’re too far away, and then you’re in “swoop and poop” territory as a leader; as in you swoop in out of nowhere to look at the work this person is doing and then poop all over it because you didn’t realize it had gone off course.
This Valentine’s Day, I hope your boss is speaking your language! Tell me, what does it for you? You might appreciate many of these, but pick your favorite. I’d love to hear :)
I love this and want my whole company to read this 😍
Nicely said
Brava Bree